Getting my shit together!
Its been a while now, I don't even remember the last time I was happy without things bugging in my head. I have a lot to say write express but I haven't done it from quite a long time now. The thought that I might have to give up the dream of becoming a writer also pumped in with other thoughts flooding around in my head. Its not easy to keep going, to keep dreaming and start working towards them, but there is no other way to live this life that I can see. I can't live like those people who get up without a will to live for the day, I don't want to start my day high on a chemical which stops my mind from thinking logically and I hate seeing people not doing justice with their life. There is a lot of shit going around in my head, which is stopping me to move on, to enjoy life now and organizing them or stopping them isn't a possible solution. So I am just going to go random from one stupid point in my head to other and try to clear as much shit as possible.
The load of not making a choice has been on top my head for a year now. I always liked to have more options. thought liked a kid, the more the better, but now I realize its the other way round. Having a single choice is better than having a dozen of choices and you not having the way to choose one. I am good as a technologist but working in finance firm making software for business gave me an inclination towards studying actual finance majors, this choice was not on my plate, I always wanted to study more computer science or arts, but now I don't have the strength to weight another option and compare again. Lucky are those people who chose one path and that turned out to be their golden path for life. I consider my self half lucky as I am not disoriented or lost, but I am confused and bloody scared to make a decision. Lets go one more level down.
I crave for a traders job, doing legal calculated gambling with money which is not coming from my pocket. I love stress and so the job of a trader gets extra point from me.
I love computes and it makes me happy to control a computer a way I want and make useful stuff called software out of it for people who need it but can't create it themselves like so called trader, finance guys, accountants and management people.
I love writing, expressing what I feel, touching people's heart with what I write makes me feel alive, getting a small tiny token of appreciation from a stranger makes me live another day.
The destination looks good for all of them doesn't it, but then how do I choose and find an answer to the famous HR question where do I see myself in ten years from now.
I work each day in office with these thoughts juggling around. I know its difficult to decide, but not coming to answer everyday and thinking the same things all over again and again is not good for your creative part inside your head. Doing monotonous jobs rusts our brain, similarly thinking same things again and again has a similar effect.
When we make decisions, we get a feeling of moving forward, done with something kind of attitude, we say bring it on to the next problem, blah blah but it lightens the load and gives you time to think, to sit idle and get some free space from your thought bandwidth. That is important to come up with something new, to motivate yourself, you need this free time, where you can enjoy and be mentally and physically at the same place. Basically it allows you to enjoy the moment. I find it really hard to carry a smiling energetic body language when any dilemma is bugging my head. I am expected to smile, make friends, socialize, act as if I care about everyone out there and figure out who is the perfect girl for me, and do work for which I get paid. Its not that I can't manage time or feel stressed to do the above things, but how am I suppose to explain what I am going through to all my friends, family and colleges out there, I can't. If I try to make things right, I don't get time to write, and live for myself. So I think the choice is pretty clear, but not feeling guilty about the choice is another important lesson which I learned recently.
It as simple as taking a leap of faith in your decisions. You did the best you could before taking the decision, now enjoy the after effect, instead of analyzing the choice after making them. Trail and Error people, that's what I finally have put my faith in. If something doesn't work out, and I am sure many things won't, then I will go for next option. There is no shortage of options and each option becomes interesting and worth while if you give your time and dedication to it. Become a kid while you pronounce your decision to yourself. Remember when a dad throws his baby in the air, the bady is smiling and is not afraid, as the baby has faith that dad will keep him safe. So have faith in your decision and life will take care of it.
Whatever be the choice, I am not going to spoil the moments of the journey in search of haven at the destination. It might not be, so its always better to enjoy the journey, as we all know- "It's journey that matters and not the destination."
Another shitty case of more choices which relates to my writing comes here. It was all simple, I use to get thoughts, I discussed, analysed over it and expressed it in the best possible manner I could in this blog. But I started writing on Quora, read stuff and nice articles on medium etc etc. So my choice increased, I wrote few Quora answers, then thought of writing technical blogs, then thought of writing about lives of different professional people on medium to get some more readers. These all thoughts come and go, some greed for more views, up votes and more appreciation. Soon it was all gone, no appreciation, no readers of my old stuff, but I was left in the same old dilemma state with no answer to how to start again. The fear of reaching back top again, get happiness from few good comments from readers and coming down again made me stop writing.
I looked back, my happiness came from completing a blog post and that was permanent. Getting some good feedback on some posts and not on others triggered some feelings in me, but they were not as strong as the initial feeling of happiness which I get when I complete a post on my own, when I express my true self without experiencing fear of being liked or not.
Do your fucking job, if you write, then write more! If you develop software, develop more, do it today, tomorrow and the day after that. Don't stop, not for anyone out there. Don't let some comments, people, situations excuse stop you from doing your work. Do your work. Do what you are suppose to, friends are going to come and go, loved ones are going to make you cry while they leave, but that's doesn't give you a reason to stop working and doing your job. If you want to do something, accomplish something, get a good night sleep when you fall on the bed, then do your work with no fucking excuses.If you don't do this, you don't do your piece of work then you won't be able to enjoy the moment, you won't be able to enjoy the break from work because you didn't do any when you were suppose to. So its pretty simple Do Your Fucking Job, Period!
This feeling my friend is something which made me write today and tell you about it. I know, I do realize, some random amount of shit from my mind has been spitted above, but I truly and sincerely don't care, it lightened me, my thoughts and helped me start my journey for "Getting my shit together"